In his research, Alfred Kinsey states in Sexual Behaviour in the Human Female: “Cheese crumbs spread in front of a copulating pair of rats may distract the female, but not the male”.
At least once a week I have a discussion with a female patient about her libido….usually her low libido. Most of these women are in their late 30’s. After a few questions about whether they like their partner still, find him easy on the eyes and interesting, I ask if they think about sex. Most don’t. After more than a decade of clinical practice, I have observed there is a gender disparity with regards to intimacy.
For men, intimacy (basically sex) floats right to the top. Before they go to work, dig fence posts, repave the driveway, change the oil or mow the lawn they think about sex. It comes first. It is the prime directive. Once done, THEN he can address his others obligations or interests.
For women, intimacy sinks right to the bottom. After everything else gets done, she can consider what is essentially a luxury item. The kids, their homework, the dust on the ceiling fan blades, the air conditioning filters, add hair conditioner to the grocery list, the Christmas card list, pay the credit card bill, little Billy’s lunch box….it is a stream of consciousness or loose association of all things she feels driven to get DONE. Sex isn’t on the list. Or at least her sexual satisfaction isn’t.
The best part of this dialogue is actually giving these woman permission to move themselves up on their own list. Make yourself a priority. If you like him, if he still likes you, if he pleases you and stills gets you THERE…..then leave the laundry and the grocery list and let the kids amuse themselves for a bit.
It requires practice. But what is the saying….practice makes perfect?
Funny you call sex intimacy. It can be but for the most part is not. I also find that mens need for true intamacy is rare and women whither without it.
Intimacy with one you love is absolutely necessary – sex is a whole other creature… I think you can have one without the other…but I agree – with men, sex is #1 object – always, the intimacy be damned. With women, intimacy is needed to have good sex, but she is often so damned tired from all the other “stuff” she has little desire for the sex part, and would gladly just accept a nice hug, a warm smile, a held hand, a little squeeze, a “yes, you are special” —- I really miss hugs!