“If today you hear God’s voice, harden not your heart.” Ps 95:8
At Mass this morning, deacon mentioned Fr. Meninger’s upcoming visit to Gainesville. He is a Trappist monk that teaches contemplative prayer. “Be still and know that I am God.” An epiphany opened before me. Some problems have no answer. Some worries cannot be unraveled. Some mysteries cannot be solved. My challenge is to BE STILL. I cannot fix some things despite my intense desire to make things right, to fix what I’ve broken.
And so I congratulate myself on focusing on the day-to-day. And I give thanks to these things that have helped me be contemplative in these last few days when I had an overwhelming and frantic need to attempt to make amends.
Tuesday, before my staff meeting, I stopped at Books-a-Million and bought a new book to read. I’ve read more books in the last three months than I’ve read in the last three years. I had gotten into the habit of listening to audiobooks WHILE I did other tasks or chores. There is no stillness in that listening mode. In the reading mode, I am still. I am quiet. I am outside myself.
I finished this book today and it was helpful is many ways. The main character is frantic and damaged. Watching her struggle helped me.
I drove to Orange Park Saturday morning to collect my car. I am supremely satisfied with my choice to drive the 90 minutes to the Brumos Lexus dealership to have my car serviced. After such a dis-satisfactory experience with the local Toyota dealership, who has been servicing my car the last four years, I am overjoyed with the service at Brumos. It was less expensive, too.
The rain ceased for enough days for the pine cones lying about my yard to open back up and I spent a few hours yesterday raking and relocating them to the blackberry patch as a form of mulch. I listened to the cranes overhead and the whispering pines.
And I had the blessing of being reminded of those solid connections I have with certain people that withstand the assaults of time and for this I am blessed: a friend willing to hash through my sadness, a sister to offer her loving support, a friend to ask if I would read his thesis on vulnerability. The Universe has gifted me with much to supplant my loss. All I have to do is BE STILL.