Every day is a chance to make a new effort. Every day is a chance to try again. Successful people are often the biggest failures or at least they have the highest failure rates simply as a consequence of making an effort. People who never fail are often people who never try. I have no aversion to taking risks and trying new things but as I have gotten older, I have become averse to failure. That aversion has lead to me venturing out less, being less risky. I don’t want to be less adventurous; I’d just like a higher success rate.
There are no guarantees in life. All benefits without any downside risk is not negotiable. And so, I must will myself to be risky. I should start with small tasks; if I fail, it’s not a big deal and there is no great harm or foul. I stepped out of my comfort (read lazy) zone about 2 weeks ago and registered for a 5K run. I don’t run given the fish tank gravel in my right knee joint, but I can walk that 5K. I get myself up and go to the city park yesterday morning and…..there is not a soul in sight. No one. It upset me -it still upsets me – because I was READY! I had pushed myself out of my comfort zone of walking on a treadmill at the gym with ear buds stuffed into my ears to doing a group activity. Instead, I went to the farmers market, bought my eggs and some fresh tomatoes and came home. I spent the morning in the yard watering all the trees and inspecting the grounds. I spent the day alone – exactly the habit I am trying to break. I did manage to remediate a technical issue with regards to a piece of furniture and a Roku box but again, a solitary task.
I woke this morning with the idea to write, a story is scratching at the inside of my head and I can’t decide if I have writers’ block or if I am avoiding writing because it is another solitary task and I desperately want (and need) more social contact. Unfortunately, like all people creative before me….the urge to create won’t be ignored.
So, I set about making my first batch of onion bialys using a recipe from Julia Child’s Baking with Julia cookbook. I am going to roast all those tomatoes and red peppers and make a batch of tomato soup to serve along side the onion bialys. Then I am going to pull out my sewing machine and finish the batik mosaic quilt top and listen for the muse to open up this story scratching on the inside of my head. I keep catching glimpses and images and I need to stop fighting the muse. Yes, it is a solitary activity. Yes, it compounds my isolation but maybe – just maybe – this is what I am supposed to be doing and the friction and angst comes from fighting it.
I am not an extrovert much to the dismay of others. People who meet me confuse my willingness to tackle tasks as extroversion. They are wrong. Simply because I can push through a situation doesn’t mean it is my natural state. My preferable position is one of introversion and quietude but more preferably with someone or a few close people who get me. Maybe, those “people” are characters in my head who would like me to get to know them, instead.