For Real

For many years, ideas compelled me to write, thoughts came to me and I wanted to share, expound, highlight or praise. I felt moved out of wonderment and awe, filled with love or thrilled by whimsy. But my voice is of late muted or silenced by fear, apprehension or simply a desire to protect myself. It is ironic. Years ago, when I started Realisa, I was a lifetime away from my dreams; I felt detached and disconnected from who I wanted to be, from the ‘me’ that deep in my heart, in my most private space, was the Real Me. And so I set myself upon a path to be the most authentic me possible. To fling myself into the bare bones arena of ‘shit or get off the pot’. I had to stop being a wisher (or a whiner) and actually go and Be Me. No excuses. No apologies. And so, all the Big Me stuff came out. I started writing, not just blogging, but writing….really writing. I started cooking and sewing and ‘taking photographs’. I wouldn’t yet call myself a photographer….but I take some really amazing photographs. They even blow me away sometimes. I opened my head and started reading and listening. My music tastes opened up. I also went off exploring, traveling and being more adventurous. And I settled into a calmer space as a mother. I think I essentially grew up….or rather grew into myself. I am far more comfortable in my own skin. And along the way…my dreams were less wishes and more reality.

And there in lies the rub. There is the origin or return of the introversion and caution. The doubter is compelled to ask if ‘all this’ can really be real? Can personal dreams really come true? This was not a fairy tale. The path to get where I am, to get this close to my dreams coming true, was a back breaking, heart breaking soul scorcher. An arduous journey at great personal peril and littered with naysayers and doubters and detractors. I think the modern term is ‘haters’.

And there in lies the other interesting development,  full 360 degree revolution……and this has been a revolution. While time has revolved and I have evolved, I must keep dreaming. I can step into this new world built of what were once my DREAMS and……KEEP dreaming. And while some thought writing the blog was odd and peculiar, and some thought all the mad quilting was over-the-top, and some ask why I ‘never stop’……I know the reason is that I am filled with dreams and whimsy and thrilling ideas.  And I have confirmed for myself that if I BELIEVE and I work hard and I KEEP working hard and remain faithful and tenacious…that there is a reward. The reward is not a pot of gold or a knight in shining armor but my dreams made REAL. And in that I can believe in MYSELF. From within me can come this reality.  I love being a doctor. I love being a mother even more. Now, I also love being me.

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