I must have a weak spot for underdogs. I am a sucker, for sure. I wish to now retract all my dislike for Julius and state plainly that Noel is a scary and disturbing dude. And he garnered my compassion by his affectations. He might as well be Ted Bundy in the body of Tiny Tim. A truly disturbing sketch of a mind to delusional yet appearing quite rational. In fact, he is rational and functional and seemingly successful (as a youth, especially in academics) but his entire realm functions on a paradigm shift of NOT reality. Boys that come to fisticuffs DO NOT pull a Mike Tyson and bite a chunk out of their adversaries forearm. Normal boys punch and kick and spit. They even draw blood. They don’t stomp each other and they have a clear understanding when someone says “Uncle”.

I am more than 60% through the book and I still don’t want to finish it. I want to set it down and walk away. I don’t want this kind of person, this tilted construct, in my head. I have taken great lengths to right my universe and confirm reality. I have run my periodic system checks and maintained my quality controls. I now know what is real and reasonable. I also know how deceptive and convincing a parallel, magical realm can seem. Morality is not relative. Autonomy is not hedonism. Autonomy is a collective acceptance of a moral construct and a tolerance for each to have space. It also requires each single person to stand upon their own feet and define themselves…..but they have to stick to the construct. Co-dependency and autonomy are arch enemies.

Juxtapose this fictional novel by Colin McAdams with the edits I am doing of my own novel and my emotional landscape is chaffed and raw. My narrative is now totally separate from me, the protagonist is a freestanding person and I can see her and get to know her as an “outsider”. But holy crap…I have to set it down and walk away. I am reminded of the part of Like Water for Chocolate where Allende’s character bakes a wedding cake; her tears a leavening and her sorrow a poison. I wonder if woven into my own narrative is a psychic thread that will register for other readers or if it is only a tether for my own heart.

Well, Monday is Monday. And I must get in gear and go make the donuts. It has the potential to be a very, very good day and a spectacular week. I promise to drive safely, eat properly, exercise and meditate. Be a bit creative. Keep my thinking cap on (or close by)and maintain an even emotional keel. Elvis has left he building….Good night everybody.

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