I received my copy in the mail Friday. This book is not published in this country. Red Dog Books mailed me a copy. Woot! I am not an artist by any means although I think I struggle with the same divided heart. My division was between my vocation and profession as a doctor and my children. To hear some say it, I may barely qualify as a mother. I came to gainesville to have a flexible job. I chose family medicine to have a flexible schedule. I practice medicine in a way that promotes as much balance as possible. I am not running out in the middle of the night to the hospital. I am fortunate in many ways. But, what defines motherhood and what designates a good mother?
Admittedly, like any woman who choses to work, whether at art or a career, I must find balance. Every mother should also work diligently to speak to the heart of her children. When my Cammie was an infant, he wanted touch. To be held, snuggled and papoosed was sure fire contentment. As he has gotten older, quality time and praise have replaced the need for touch. My Evan is praise all the way. Words of affirmation make his heart sing. I want to always speak to my children’s hearts. I will work to be fluent in whatever language they speak, even if they are just experimenting. Love is splendid and abundant. It cannot be measured or judged. How do you show love? How do they know they are loved? You say it a trillion times in every way possible. I love my children by sewing their Halloween costumes and helping them make their dioramas for school projects. I have conquered my profound phobia of the dentist in an effort to make dental visits stress free for the boys. I do not want them to learn my fears. I enjoy baking their favorite cookies and packing their lunches. I sewed their first baby quilts and Cameron’s sits across the end of his bed. Does this make me a good mother? I suppose the only two people on this planet that get to pass verdict are my sons. No one is perfect. I am full of faults but I will bend to my knees before them and accept their rebukes. When they become adults, I will answer their questions from my heart.
Do I feel guilty for being away from them? Do I think they deserve a better mother, a mother that does not work outside the home? Are children always better served with a full-time stay at home mother?
I want my sons to know that God has a plan for them. They have a purpose in this life. If they listen to the Voice inside them, if they follow that Voice, they will be rightly on a path designed just for them. I believe being a doctor is PART of the path the Lord set before me. I trust Him. Even when I was racked with guilt or have been shamed to think I have neglected my children, I have returned to His voice and heard him reassure me. I am doing something with my life that is of His design and desire. I am not perfect. I stumble and I fall. While my heart may feel very divided to ME…..my entire heart belongs to Him. And my Lord is the only person rightly allowed to judge me and to him I must answer.