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Feelings

You kinda know I am upset when I can’t talk, when I can’t explain things, when words escape me. Usually, I can manage by focusing on other things. I can deal by simply not attempting to talk about “The THING that’s bothering me”. But it’s really bad when I simply can’t talk at all. I have to talk some everyday because I have to talk to patients but I manage in that venue because I don’t have to talk about me or “The THING that’s bothering me”. But once work ends, if the THING has not resolved, I fall silent. Talking about it requires THINKING about it and when it’s something that’s really bothering me….that is not thinking…that is feeling. And feelings can sometimes defy words. And when I can’t find the words to express something you know it has to be really big or really overwhelming. I pride myself in being able to process things fast. I explain (or over explain lots of things). I think I am that person to whom you ask the time and are taught four ways to build a clock and why daylight savings time was invented. I am that annoying person. But I do it because all that stuff I explain clogs up my head and obstructs things. I got stuck last night. Super stuck. Non-verbal. Our new fangled world of text messaging requires me to be able to EXPLAIN in words how I am feeling. What I needed more than anything was comfort and proximity and to NOT talk and to NOT think. Any attempts to talk about what is wrong means I stop feeling my way through it and have to THINK my way through it. Much like grief, emotions have their day of reckoning. Avoiding the feelings simply exacerbates the problem. And so, I must find some method of working through my feelings since my house is empty and there is no one there. I will try the gym. If all else fails….I will sleep. Sleep is the ultimate avoidance.

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