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Gratitude Project: Day 7

I have a variety of thanks to give today. I am thankful for having health insurance. It is not a political statement; it’s a simple fact. I have health insurance. I’ve had continuous coverage my whole life and today I used my health insurance. Other than the brief prior as I waited to learn if the insurance company would give prior authorization for a “high cost” diagnostic test, I had no trepidation or reticence about seeking medical care. Many people don’t have coverage and even people with policies have huge deductibles…and they delay or decline seeking care until it is an emergency.

Anyone who knows me or has spent any time over the last seven years reading Realisa must know I have ‘control issues’. I don’t want to be backed into a corner and forced to acquiesce. I don’t mind submission but there is a difference between submission and surrender. Surrender means I wave the white flag and admit I am defeated, taken captive, taken against my will. Submission means I lay my will aside.

I give thanks for a brief but clarifying (and cleansing) expression of anger. It was done verbally but loudly and with the full exposure of my rage. It is the attempt to control and repress this anger that I believe is eating me up. I walk through my days saying my Hail Marys. I practice quietude. I exercise. I sleep well. But deep inside, at my core…..I am f#%king angry. I tapped into that today and it was quite cathartic. I’ve been trying to be polite, to be fair, to be agreeable and for observers – I have been. I am. But inside, it festers and ferments. If those tests mentioned above are all truly normal and negative, then the next step is to excise this anger that is poisoning my soul.

I give thanks for a sweet and kind invitation to have coffee with two women who I respect and admire and who have delightful sons the same age as mine. A simple hour in a vinyl booth in a quaint downtown 24 hour diner was succor for my very lonely heart.

I quietly cried as I watched my “baby” at his 8th grade fall dance. He is so tall and so grown and handsome in his dress shirt and TIE! I came home to a clean kitchen, breakfast prepped for the morning and the chance to listen to my new downloaded iTunes music by Polica.

I am thankful for today and all its gifts. I faced some fears, I relinquished some bitter anger and I made a better connection. I have two marvelous sons and home feels full and warm when they are here.

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