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Smack

Some days, I am certain I disappoint my children. They have expectations or hopes that they think I can assure or assist in making reality. Sometimes, it’s easy. One of them needs clothes for Color Wars at school for Halloween, or football equipment or a shirt ironed or an album off iTunes. Simple things. Little things. But, I feel pressed against a wall trying to manage some of the bigger things. I just don’t feel like I have enough to guarantee somethings: enough money, enough time to make enough money or enough confidence that the whole endeavor is the right choice for them. And I have no one to whom I can pass the baton. I am not the only mother placed in this position. And while I have positioned myself well, I still fret; I still run the numbers. Can I swing this? Do I have the capacity and the stamina to swing it for four years (plus another 4 years for the younger brother)? And what a hypocrite I feel like when I suggest that they consider changing their hopes and desire for purely economic reasons (MY economic reasons). But, I have no safety net. I don’t have anyone augmenting my income. If I don’t provide for them, there is no one stepping in, no one to make sure it all happens. In the last six years, they have had uniforms and school pictures and braces and health insurance and a car and gas money and computer games galore….they haven’t really wanted much but they also haven’t wanted anything truly out of bounds for my ability. But it may be that I’ve reached my capacity…..and that is with the assumption I can maintain this pace. What if I can’t? What if the random, unexpected, unanticipated ‘BAD’ thing happens and I can’t earn? What happens then? What happens to them? What happens to me? I know this is all fear that would be remedied if I simply had the simple kindness of someone saying, “It’s okay….I got this one.” It hit me last night that while one is shortly leaving for college….it doesn’t mean a moments rest for me. In fact, it smacked me hard last night that I have to double down. It’s a risk. I’m taking a big risk and I am not a gambling person. I have faith. I want to say that my faith helps but honestly, my faith isn’t capable of paying college tuition. But likewise, I don’t believe in luck. I am not one to cross fingers and buy a Lotto ticket. I believe in applied effort and outcome. I am just having a crisis of faith IN MYSELF and my ability to make these things happen for my kids. And I’m tired Lord. The Lord knows I am tired.

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