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Stuck

It once was that Realisa was a space to contemplate the half full glass, the silver lining or the good outcome from an adverse situation. I’m stuck, stuck in a place in which it feels like looking up is prevented, hindered and obstructed. I’ve been stuck before. I get unstuck and certainly from the stuck position, it is impossible and unfair to make predictions about the length of the state of being stuck. From where I stand, I feel I will be stuck forever. I feel I have been stuck for a very long time. I feel stuck on a cellular level. Acupuncture shouldn’t hurt but when some of the needles are place it freakin’ hurts. It feels like he’s using McDonald’s straws for the treatment. And that is a state of stuckitude that reaches down into my chi. “Blocked,” he says. I’m blocked. It feels like I should be carrying a giant basket full of casaba melons on my head, like an African woman walking roadside for 8 miles to market. I feel like my solar plexus has taken a mean upper left hook and it’s knocked the wind out of me; I can’t breath and I can’t fight back. I’m on my knees. And I am mad and hurt and so profoundly sad. We’ve come back to the powerlessness. It is one thing to feel impotent over circumstances truly beyond your control like autoantibodies or cancer dividing cells. It is another thing to feel paralyzed by a situation that is seemingly within your control or at least your influence but in reality, it beyond any rational parameters. You can hustle but it is futile and only compounds the sense of impotence. Nothing you do matters.

It’s a loss. And for this I am stuck. My creativity is stuck, my emotions are an amalgamated mess and those sweet baby cousins, Hope and Joy, aren’t coming to visit anytime soon. What is the avenue to dislodging myself from this log jam? How do I clear this obstruction? What is the remedy to this paralyzing impotence?

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