I’m not stuck anymore. Getting a proverbial smack upside the head helps. He said, “You are far too self-critical and self aware.” Being that it was a bull’s eye shot, I spent part of my unconscious time while sleeping and a few hours this morning upon waking being far too self critical. From the post mortem, I can clinically define the reasons. I am ultra responsible never displacing upon others what is clearly mine. Hell, I will even assume some of the responsibility for other people’s stuff simply if I am standing close by. If adversity arrives, I run the parameters and try to determine WHY bad things have happened and what, if anything could have been done to avoid it. Translation: “What did I do wrong?” I falsely believe that on some level, everything in my life is within my control or influence. I believe in free will. I don’t believe in magic or fairies or genies in bottles. So, if its going to happen, it will be born from my effort, toil, work, thought and energy. If I don’t apply myself, shit doesn’t get done. I don’t wait for other people to carry me or do my things. They’re mine and therefore I must do them. If I wait upon others, if I trust others, I risk disappointment and worse…stuff NOT getting done. It has taken many years to let go of some things and wait for others to do them. But…not the big stuff. Never the big stuff.
I get stuck when I end up in a dynamic with someone who does not carry their own stuff, who plunks their burdens and bundles into the public space and just leave them cluttering and distracting the natural flow of things. I get stuck because it is my nature to ‘help’, to pick up and carry, to assist, to be a good neighbor. Ultimately, I get stuck because I realize I am overwhelmed and overburdened carrying for others that which is not mine. It is especially paralyzing when the person whose burdens I carry is sitting poolside completely at ease and leisurely. They get to play while I am the mule.
I am not a mule. I am most definitely not anyone else’s mule. I will toil at my own mountain moving. I will break my back shoveling one spade at a time to move a mountain but I will never toil upon someone else’s burden. We are given our burdens and adversities simply for the journey they provide towards wisdom and humility. If someone else carries our bundles, we can never be humble, wise or know grace.