What is the purpose of life other than to face your fears and accept? There is a song by the Christian singer Ginny Owens called “I Am” on her CD Something More. I return it to over and over: the classic trifecta of “Why Me?” lamentations. And these three were not whining their protestations as if being burdened by God’s request….they truly doubted their abilities. Surely someone else was better suited for this road, this task and this purpose. Moses isn’t the best speaker and doubts his ability to lead. David and his entire family (including his own father) discredit him, leaving him to tend sheep while the “real” sons…the worthy sons….are considered for the job of King. And then there is Mary…a mere girl who doesn’t know the world and is certain her god couldn’t really want her for this unimaginable task.
Except…who knows us better than He who made us?
The cliche “You’re only given what you can handle” offends me. It’s tossed at my knees when I am begging for help and feel crushed by the weight of what faces me…or what has just made me road kill. Frankly, it pisses me off. If I can do this and You know I can do this….then can’t I get the FastPass and cut to the front of the line? Since you already pre-qualified me, why must I apply myself. If I already got the part, why must I audition?
And then I hear it…..
“You have to believe what I already know.”
The trials and the tribulations, the tests and the obstacles, the burdens and the exiles are for my convincing, my conversion….not just to have deeper faith in God….but to have true faith in myself. God already knows me, knows my capacity, knows my Achilles heel, knows my heart. He knows me and is setting me upon a path that reveals what He knows about me…to me. Believing in myself is ultimately having faith in Him. Don’t confuse this with narcissism. Neither Moses, David nor Mary. Not John the Baptist, Peter or Paul. In the Garden for a brief moment, not even Jesus is 100% self assured. Every great person who has fulfilled their God given destiny had moments of crushing doubt.
I welcome doubt and fear and uncertainty. I know that in the fog of doubt s a truth about myself He is determined for me to learn, know and believe. Or change. Sometimes what lurks in the fog is a Goliath I must slay.
Regardless…..I have to walk bravely into the fog and discover what awaits. There is no waiting for the sun (Son) to burn away the fog….this is plague-like, Old Testament fog blanketing everything, obscuring and confounding. It disperses only from within.
Here we go….