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Fighting the Blues

There are days when I lose my MOJO. When I have no oomph. There are days when I feel cloudy and blue. There are days when I wish I could stay in bed or disappear or run away. There are days when I wish someone with a giant rolling pin would roll me flat as pie crust. On these days I try to tell myself to find something happy. While I can see the beauty in things, the beauty can’t penetrate the shadow around me. When these days are particularly dark, I feel like there is a crouching beast lurking, gobbling up all my happiness and hope.

On these days, I would like to be small again. I would like to be pulled up into my Momma’s lap and held as tight as can be. I would like to hear her say, “Shhhh, its ok. It’s gonna be fine.” I get tired being a grown-up. 

These days are usually brief. But, I am usually tearful and fragile and simply exhausted. I sigh alot. I can feel my heart beating harder. My muscles are tense. I need to sleep. I can’t sleep. I am not hungry but I often eat. Over the years, I have found various things that help me weather these episodes. In high school I started running. I ran in college too. I clean my house (like a well-paid maid). I shop and spend money. I iron shirts. I bake. I read a novel cover to cover. I’ll go see a movie by myself. About 7 years ago, I started praying the Rosary.

The repetition was hypnotic. The structure made thinking or originality unnecessary. It is how I learned to pray. Praying is very hard when things feel so bleak. So, I turned to something that asked very little of me but submission. I have a Rosary in my car. Sometimes I pray the Rosary without any beads. The history of the Rosary is fascinating and the repetitive prayer is ancient. Monks once fill the pockets of their robes with 50 pebbles, praying the Lord’s Prayer and then dropping the stone. I sometimes picture the path and the accumulation of thousands of tiny pebbles over the course of time.

This feeling will turn. It rarely lasts for long, but it is a thick fog. It feels very lonely, even when I am surrounded by people. I will pray my Rosary. I love the Sorrowful mysteries best because it is about suffering and loss and redemption. And……..

 There is my hopeful thought.

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